dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
