new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
