i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry my hands just texted you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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