I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
