so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
