The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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