Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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