paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
