we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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