Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
