I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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