I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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