I think this baby is eyeing my beer
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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