First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
