Please, let me fuck your mom
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Your dad touched me again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
