2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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