I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
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No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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