My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
