Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
