i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
