um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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