if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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