I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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