so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
