There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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