i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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