Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
