Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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