The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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