I want to stick my p in your. b.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out