My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
