you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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