hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
