I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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