My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
