Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
