the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
