If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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