I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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