Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
