My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
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I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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