I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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