This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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