Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
