Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
