Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
