Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Everyone says I win the strip club
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
