Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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