I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I want to make a zoo with you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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