Duck Duck Cougar?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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