You're my little dorito
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
