Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
