just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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