the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
