I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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