I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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