I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
