Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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