And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
