Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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