mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
