I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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