I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
